You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
