So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
