I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
