i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
