2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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