I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
