2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
