call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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