My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
