she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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