i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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