Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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