yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
