I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
