Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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