Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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