Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Houston, we have a blender
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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