Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
