ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
