you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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