i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You're like the curious george of whores
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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