I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
my liver is dry heaving
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
