Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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