Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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