he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
