I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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