Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside