Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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