I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.