Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go