ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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