You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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