i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
