if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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