I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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