goodnight i made you a song goodbye
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Couch. On fire.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
