im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
