gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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