I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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