I think im going to throw up on grandma
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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