So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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