We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
