Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
