I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
