Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
