Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
