Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
