someone owes me an orgasm
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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