THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
