im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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