Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
