i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think I just sharted jello shots
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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