I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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