It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
