Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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