my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Too much gin, very little bucket
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
