just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
