Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
