I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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