Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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