Pappa wants mamma naked
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
